Yesterday was the first new moon with my brand new moon journal circle AND the day I had scheduled my first *Renew* post for my new and improved blog, The Arachne Project. Isn’t that crazy? I don’t even know what I was thinking, except that it was all shiny and new, and I wasn’t thinking? So last night, I was like a crow, sitting here in my office with my shiny newness, my black flickering candles, and moonstones and labradorite tucked in my bra. And absolutely NO idea what to write about that sounded refreshing!
The truth is, I was mad at myself last night. I had an entire blog post planned about about fresh starts, the fear of losing everything you care about, and the reality that isn’t quite as bad, but almost… And then suddenly, my post turned into a giant dumpster fire that no Phoenix was going to rise out of. Ever.
It was barely coherent, so I saved it to *maybe* work on later. But I missed my self-imposed deadline for the third time this month. And I thought, wow, I’m breaking promises to myself now? Who even do I think I am?
A perfectionist, that’s who.
So I did what any frazzled writing goddess with shiny rocks in her bra would do. I smudged my office, lit my candles, set my meditation timer, and wrote in my journal for an hour. Meditation has been super good for my neuroses. I recommend it to all perfectionists who are trying to get over themselves. It cut my freaking out time nearly in half when I started doing it every day.
First thing I realized? I want to do a lot more writing than just blog posts, and I don’t have time to sit and be ugly about 500 words that won’t behave. And nobody cares about self-imposed deadlines except the perfectionists that set them. There’s nothing more boring or self-absorbed than an anxiety attack and plummeting self-esteem over double-booking yourself WITH YOURSELF. I think its safe to save that freak out for when it actually involves another human being. Do you do this? Let’s stop together.
Second? Shiny is just shiny. It doesn’t mean it’s supposed to be easy. In fact, every new project is a little bit of a set up. It’s exciting at first, and then, like a relationship, the facade starts to wear off, and you get a glimpse of the work it’s going to take to keep it fresh. If you’re really lucky, you like what you see. And even then sometimes, it scares you a little bit. It doesn’t mean it’s not good for you. It’s not that you don’t think you should have to work for it. It’s just that you like it so much that somewhere deep down inside, you aren’t sure if you’re good enough for it. You want to be. But you aren’t sure you’ll be able to keep it. So you have a little meltdown and push it away before it can hurt you. Ewwww. I’m tired just thinking about it. Aren’t you?
If you’re birthing something new right now, and you get a glimpse of your insecure self, do yourself a favor. Clear the air and connect to your inner guidance for a bit. You always know better. You always know what to do.